| Walking Zazen |
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| 05:59pm 09/04/2006 |
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mood:  calm
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I woke up today feeling that I had disappointed my self yesterday with my sloth and gluttony. so today I redoubled my efforts. I decided walking zazen would be good for me to begin with. I walked to the local park took a few pictures. then got down to reading Step 2 in one breath at a time.
the more I read the more I want to read this book has opened my eyes to what I have been doing.
Not just with the poisons i ingest, through my mouth but those I ingest through my ears eyes and mind. All effecting the same ends me beign unwell and off the path.
Step 2
Is believe a higher power can restore us to sanity. Mine is the Dharma. The Four Noble Truths and the 8 fold path.
Living in accordance with the way will restore me to sanity.
I have found many of my Attachments are to those of greed and selfishness. Learning to put these things away is a problem I will have to learn to over come. |
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(Brokedown) |
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| Steps on the path |
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| 01:01pm 09/04/2006 |
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mood:  contemplative
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Friday I took my first real step on the path. I was in barnes and nobel and Found some books on Buddhism I poured over the section for what seemed an eternity until I came out with 2 books The complete Idiots Guide to Buddhism and One breath at a time. The first is self- explanatory the second is Buddhism and the 12 steps. I read step one Friday night and Saturday. I also read the Complete Idiots Guide, it had some insight and pointed the general direction. It seemed more Broad strokes now I must turn to other sources for the fine strokes.
I have begin meditating Each day. Calming my racing mind. I dont take these steps for any court or person but for myself.
Joy Cannot Be found with out unless there is joy within.
The Journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step.
There is a Purification Sutra
all the evil karma ever created by me since of old
On account of my beginningless greed, hatred, and ignorance,
Born of my body, mouth, and thought
I now confess openly and fully
This Sutra helps the sinner in me, the person I was.
The person I will never be again with the help of the Dharma.
The Meditation of today is: It is easy to be bad more difficult to be good. |
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(Brokedown) |
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| Thursdays the biziest day |
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| 08:02am 06/04/2006 |
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mood:  cold
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Wake up 7:00 am get my self together
Court at 11:45 which lasts till about 12:30 or 1
Then home and some studying for class
Class at 6:00 till about 7
AA from 8 till about 9
Then the blessed weekend begins
I have been trying to compose my summer reading list I think I have it at least a skeleton list
Zen Mind Beginners mind
Beyond Good and Evil
On The Geoneology of Morals
Its going to be a philosophical summer I dont see my self indoors much mostly riding around on my bike finding out of the way places to read. Its been an interesting year and I need time to reflect on it all.
AA last night was good we talked about the 12th step. |
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(Brokedown) |
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| Late Night flipping through channels |
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| 10:56am 05/04/2006 |
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mood:  crappy
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Whats love got to do was on tv last night (The Tina Turner Story) I adore that movie. So I was up till 5 am watching it. then I made some breakfast, which really didn't agree with me, so much so it woke me up at 10:30 to let me know it wasnt good. My stomach is sooo hurting right now. I am supposed to see Kathleen today but if my stomach dosent act right I cant ugh. I NEED TO SEE MY SHRINK... Then I have AA tonight
Tomorrow I see the Judge then I have an exam in Adobe. Then AA.. Then my week is complete...
My tummy hurts ugh.... |
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(Brokedown) |
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| Sleep/Wake Schedule Coming Back together |
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| 07:42am 04/04/2006 |
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mood:  awake
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Its about 7:20 am on Tuesday April 4th I have math today Math I have not been to in a month. Catching up on everything is imperative. I should go in early but I promised mom that we would get pizza tonight. I called results at 7am and they still had the message form yesterday. SO I will have to call in about an hour it should be changed by then.
Ugh I hate spiders, I have spider guts all over April 16th. I have court this week Thursday 11:45 am. I called Kathleen yesterday but I forgot she inst in on Mondays. SO I will have to call her back today. I need to call and get a ride to AA on Wednesday. Its my one open talk a month Thursday. I realized something last night in AA, that I only go to closed meetings. Once a month on the first Thursday there is an open talk, that I attend. To make up for my missed meetings I am going to hit only open talks lol. I like waking up early I feel as tho I can get a lot more accomplished.
I looked in to getting a cell phone this week, I feel as tho I need one, this will help in the case of court in the least. I wont have to rely on anyone calling for me when I get to the bus stop. I can call my self. And when AA lets out early (like last night) I wont be standing around for 1/2 an hour.
I wonder how Johanna's vacation went I hope it went well. |
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(Brokedown) |
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| Random Conversations |
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| 04:26pm 03/04/2006 |
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mood: contemplative
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I have been shooting again lately it feels good to get back behind the camera. Generating Ideas concepts and seeing if I can make the image whats in my mind. so much fun. When I shot b we had a conversation about the way things are about people and cheating lying being indifferent to anything but immediate gratification. We both have an acquaintance that was in a 5 year relationship which ended about 2 weeks ago. when the relationship ended he collected many dates and now he has a new boyfriend (whom just turned 18 and the person of which i speak is 25). There is the ages of the 2 people involved then there is the seeming lack of hurt for the loss that our acquaintance seems to feel.
There is a revolution of thought and feeling but is it for better or worse? to where people can slander one another with no care of doing so.
Its a world gone mad and I dont think the courts can do anything about it its a moral and ethical delimma not a legal one.
there at one time (or I believe there was at one time) a moral compass and it was universal it pointed all of us to strive to be better people not out of material gain or the promise of a heaven just because its was the right thing to do. The more I look the more I see these moral compasses are an accessory to be shown when it suits the person they have quit working long ago.
The only thing that brings these compasses back on line s a shock to the persons life.. threatening some ill measure, and the owner promises that they will live better until they have no use for this compass. I filled out a profile on something or rather It made me think.
Now I realize I am isolated out of necessity I dont want to become them and I am not sure I am strong enough to intermingle with them and keep my compass in tact. Mow by all mans my compass itself isnt perfect, there are some times I choose against its pointing. But it still points to the north. This is something I need to work on being a better person,not out of need for others but need for my self.
I want to force a personal evolution at what ever the cost. NO gods no churches just myself and an evolution of morals.
Dig deeper in to philosophy Geonology of morals, Beyond Good and Evil to start with some books on buddahisim. Sprig is here time to go off line for a while. |
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(Brokedown) |
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| Daylight Savings Time Begins |
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| 11:20am 02/04/2006 |
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mood: contemplative
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It began last night at 2 am The spinning of the clocks forward one hour. Ben Franklin created this system to give farmers an extra hour of farming. now its just an annoyance. I awoke to find in my email someone named emilycub wanted to be my friend on myspace... I saw the picture of a busty woman breaking out of her swimsuit. Her request was denied. I think she was a bot. I have a shoot today I hope the weather holds so I can get all the shots I am looking for. The shoot isnt till 3 so I have plenty of time to shower shave and pull my self together. I woke up today at 11:00 am and really groggy. I know I was in bed at 12 or 1. Mom got home at 10:45 and we sat an chatted till she went to bed then I called leslie and chatted and played my game for a while. I must have needed the sleep. Monday is coming and with it I need to get back on a sane sleep wake schedule.
Things to do on Monday call the dial a ride people and get my butt to the social security office so that I can get a new Social Security Card ugh. Then A2
Tuesday School and call Kathleen to schedule for Wednesday. and get to math. Wednesday Kathleen then A2. Thursday Go to court and then to Adobe. Then to A2.
Friday blissfully nothing .... |
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(Brokedown) |
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| Hope with snafus |
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| 09:46pm 01/04/2006 |
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mood: hopeful
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Well i called RESULTS today as I do and the gave the Day and Date For yesterday... So I am hoping that the day I didn't call they had the same problem.. My sister (Younger) Kat came over and helped mom clean out the spare bedroom for my older sisters arrival. There was a lot of junk in that room, I got us pizza and we cleaned out some stuff in storage in the basement that was Kats. Then I sat and did some home work and played my game. Not much to do on a Saturday. I have a shoot tomorrow at 3 with Rob. thats pretty much all I am doing on Sunday.
I am talking to someone now and I might shoot him tonight. I dunno tho we all know how fags are...
I might just not do anythign... Game time |
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(Brokedown) |
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| Its official spring has sprung |
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| 09:29pm 30/03/2006 |
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mood:  nervous
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I have gone back to being booked for shoots. I have shot 3 times they are not my best work because I am still freaking out about the missed call now that its the 30th and I get tested 2 times a month I am almost positive I missed one. the one day I dont call and its that day. Well back to my week so far Monday called Kathleen to confirm my appt time... she needed to change it to 4:00 which is fine I have noting going on on Wednesdays. So I went to the appt to find that he daughter was sick so I had to turn around and leave lol. Then I shot brad for the majority of the night I got about 50 pictures about 5 I like. Then Thursday I woke up late because I played Champions of Norrath all night. But I got the mummy tongue. Then I got dressed and walked to school, about half way there I realized that it was an incredibly nice day out. So nice I began to sweat and feel sick that i was sweating so much. I got to school went to the computer lab and sat down to do all the home work from my CIS class. 3 assignments I got them all done in 2 hours turned them in and came home. Called matt to finalize the shoot, but dealing with fags he was begin rather sketchy about the whole affair. So I lft it with him if I heard form him tonight I wouldn't cancel. I suspect that it will be canceled any way. Ooh well I need some time alone tomorrow any way just to be with my self and the beautiful day.
I am to shoot Rob later on on Friday I think Friday evening for the way the sky looks.
I got the last of my ebay stuff today the erasure magazine ad for the innocents I scanned it in and it will work out perfectly for a t shirt (ooh i have wanted it for years)
Thats a wrap up I am going to bed soon I hope and to sleep. once my clothes get out the washer.
I went to AA tonight we talked about the 4th step the make a fearless and searching inventory of how messed up we were. lol
This and all the steps I will do in my journal. |
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(Brokedown) |
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| FREAKING OUT |
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| 12:24pm 27/03/2006 |
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mood: distressed
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I dont think I called the results people yesterday OMG this is HUGE bad I remembered this when I called them today.. Ugh I am sooo scared. I despise not being on top of things... hell I waited 5 hours to test in Alabama... I keep telling my self that I emailed Johanna as soon as I recalled it. But thats little help. I dont know what I can do. I called Elizabeth and she talked me down a little bit. I havetn drank my tests are ALWAYS 0 .00 so I have a good record on this . All I know is I cant mess up my probation. I feel like a poop head (the nastier word for poop) too much on my mind. UGH I think I need to go for a long walk to try to calm me down nothing is working wail I am sitting here. All I can think is why cant I do anything right. |
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(Brokedown) |
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| The weekend wrap up |
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| 12:13pm 27/03/2006 |
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mood: complacent
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Friday I sat home and did nothing still lagged form the trip home, mom got home form work and we went out to dinner then we watched Dungeons and Dragons part 2 she fell asleep half way through it then I went to my room and I played Champions of norrath till about 12:00 then I fell asleep (heck I dont think I got out of my pajamas all day except for going to dinner)
Saturday came and mom and went and spent the day with Kathryn I did nothing I called Leslie and we talked off and on for most of the day something is wrong with my computer I had to clear out the start up files to get it to connect. This bothers me I dont know exactly what was Prohibiting it form connecting but it bugged me. This is what I spent the majority of the day doing that and chatting with nick on line about his love life and all the dates he has and such. Too many for me to help. I worked on my adobe home work till about 3 am (in design not as easy as publisher) but I got it done totally. Then I played my game again till about 6 am it was crazy I want the mummy toung really bad... but I am like 2 parts away form it.
Sunday I woke up and I had a shoot I got up at about 11 after having 5 hours of sleep I was groggy as hell all day. I need my 8 hours of sleep. I went over to the shoots house and dealing with gay men is impossible, he had so much going on I sat there for 4 hours doing nothing wail he got his life together. Thank god I had my pocket pc with me then finally I got one set of shots done and it was over he rescheduled for today but I dont know if I can do it I dont like wasting my time so I sat there all day doing nothing I looked at the shots today and remarkably I dont like any.
So its Monday and I went and got the mail and my stuff was in
Vampire Hunter D and my Erasure post card. Its remarkable when I dont drink I have a lot more money I didn't notice how much I spent at clubs and such now that I dont go I have money to pay ebay woo hoo. so I am watching vampire hunter d on my computer and writing this....I still have an astounding amount of math to catch up on. That will be all I do today Is watch movies and match... The movies are a must I would go crazy starting at math for 8 hours straight.. I have to call Kathleen and confirm my appointment on Tuesday I need to talk to her BAD my sister is moving here and thats totally going to upset me and moms life. I think I might need to up my meetings with her to figure out everything about the new family dynamic. |
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(Brokedown) |
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| AA monday night |
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| 11:28pm 26/03/2006 |
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this is the meeting on half way house row... this is the worst and best meeting the worst because of the clientelle the best because I can see where the road goes... a path I shall not travel.
I am thinking about school over the summer I want to take ther next step in math.
I was hoping elizabeth would be here, but she isn’t.. |
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(Brokedown) |
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| Getting back in the swing of things |
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| 07:55am 24/03/2006 |
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Returning to my life gettign back in the habbit of my meetings and my appointments how fun.
The alarm wakes me at 7:00 am with Don't Call it love playing a little too loud. I saw Johanna yesterday it appars I am back to going every other week how fun is that. I woke up today with mom calling me about the computer sale at her work. Its friday I need to go to the dollar store tongiht lol |
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(Brokedown) |
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| Vacation the Wrap Up |
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| 08:39am 23/03/2006 |
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mood: amused
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Left for Alabama on 3/5/06 right from WAM go to the bus station borded and 17 hours later I was in Birmingham Alabama Leslie was righ ton time to collect me. We went to the hotel and I showered and changed my clothes then we went to the mall to look for viedo games (wizardry to be specific) this was to no avail. Then we wandered around the mall for a while then wandered around birmingham (I didnt know downtown b ham was such a ghetto) Back to the room for Pizza and hanging out stayed the night then left at 9 am to take the 3 hour treck to Brewton. Got to brewton unpacked got messages that the Tuesday shoot was off work early and could shoot any time so off to Montgomery we gt lost with the mapquest directions. Finally got there and shot all night it seemed. Left there at 9pm went home and worked on the pics before going to th ehouse we stopped by the viedo staor and taco bell (a ritual for us) picked up a bunch of scary moves and food.Watched movies and fell asleep. Wed leslie had to work so I watched a lot of tv finding that I couldnt find the shows I liked (history channel could not be found. SO I watched a whole lot of Xena leslie had 52 episodes on tivo woo hoo. she got home then we watched more movies and I edited some pics. Thursday was runnign around brewton grocery shopping and such and more movies. (we rented 5 a day) Friday we went to pensacola to go to cordova mall. God that mall sucks. We ende dup spending more time in Barnes and Nobel then the mall. home and walmart (not to forget about what a burger)
Saturday I had a Shoot he got to brewton and I shot him for most of the day edited his pics and he left then leslie came home and we did more movies and chatted. Sunday was a whole day of nothing but movies..
The next week was much like the first whataburger and movies with some taco bell and burger king thrown in...
ooh the pbt expierience
PBT testing in brewton....
Our story begins at 12:00 lunch time with a hungry robert about to begin his day.
When he thinks oh hell I haven’t called results yet..and upon calling they called
After driving all over finding small town america locks up their police stations. A small city with 3 stations... Finally we found one and appearantly the brewton police department has but one device, and the officer seems to have taken it home with him.... I was asked to come back at 6pm... And here I sit at 6:02 waiting. Finlly I breath and leave and this adventure comes to an end...
Thank the heavens all I had to do this was once there.... |
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(Brokedown) |
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| Vacation and I am Excited |
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| 09:01am 28/02/2006 |
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Tickets have been purchased clothes have been washed and packed.
Photo shoots have been set up contracts have been signed
6 days and I will be in alabama and out from the cold |
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(Brokedown) |
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| AA |
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| 07:35am 28/02/2006 |
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I am pretty sure this helps some people, the small minded, those who cannot think for themselves, those who need to be led by the hand down every new avenue in life. Last night they covered the 8th step, which one becomes willing to make amends to those their drinking has harmed. Seeing as tho I have never stolen for a cocktail, lied for one, or hurt any one for one. My list primarily consists of those who I have slighted when I am was sober. The more and more I hear of the steps, and their working the more i am convinced that the principles of AA are based on Buddhism. I dislike my Monday meeting immensely, alas this is the terms of my punishment. I find enduring something I dislike is good for the soul. I have found the balance in my meetings the Monday meeting is (as one of the meeting member called it in last nights meeting) a collection of flop house people. Then my Wednesday meeting holds professionals or at least tradesmen. Leaving my Thursday meeting which holds much of the same. the commonalities in these people are A) their acceptance of being alcoholics B) their blind faith in (as they call it) "The program". I listened last night id the horror of the simplicity struck me. Much like the religious zealots is how these hold on to their faith in AA. Not drinking is easy just make a conscious choice not to drink.
I am in the process of making a 12 step cd songs which inter relate to the 12 steps for Elizabeth i think she will enjoy it.
I might have to make it in Alabama with the format reinstall I lost most of my mp3s.
I have babbled on enough of this |
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(Brokedown) |
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| Weekly Wrap up |
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| 09:25pm 23/02/2006 |
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Aa Monday we discussed the 7th step I tink (I am forgettign them lol, Since I really dont like that meeting its ok)
School Tuesday .. I think I bombed an algebra exam ooh well I am getti a b,,,
AA Wednesday It was fullup in our little meeting my hottie was there again (yes I look at guys in AA) We covered I think it was the one about removing our problems
Court/ School /AA Thursday Court went fast I am a good boy , School I turned in all my home work then went to AA we tlaked about the 4th step..
Now I am home listning to Sunscream |
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(Brokedown) |
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| Another Lost Weekend |
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| 09:01am 20/02/2006 |
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I had WAM this weekend, only 2 weekends left WOO HOO. This weekend I went out to some camp in Holly and burned brush all weekend it was bitterly cold and the fire never did exactly what it was supposed to. I came home wreaking like smoke (fire smoke).
Last week was pretty uneventful
I went to class took my adobe exam and an algebra exam I got a b on the algebra one.
3 AA meetings The Monday meeting (I really dont remember) I think they talked about the fourth step the step when you make a list of all the fucked up shit you did in your life and share it with one other person.
The funny thing is that the wed meeting they spoke on the same subject. Then on the Thursday meeting they covered the second step.
Now its a new week and I have the same week as before
Monday AA
Tuesday School
Wed AA
Thursday Court School AA
Saturday WAM
Sunday WAM
Ooh also I transcribed someones aa tapes in to cds
4 tapes total
2 of which we such low quality that they sucked so I only did 2
one came out really well
but the other one was too long for one cd
so I dont know how I am going to compensate for this
I think I might make them MP3 files
I dunno |
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(Brokedown) |
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| The Stupidity of others |
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| 10:39am 14/02/2006 |
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mood:  confused
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Chatting on line with someone I have chatted with before I realized how stupid people are . This guy got thrown in jail on some drug related charge (never met him he lives like 3 hours north of leslie) And he has random testing also, but he took some pill out of a bottle supposedly for sinus problems but he dosent know what It was.... what the hell is wrong with druggies, if your not sure what it is DONT take it... That seems pretty easy for me to think.
this is the conversation
brandon scott: yup
brandon scott: fuck i do not wanna take my drug test !
brandon scott: wut if i fail and have to go to jail again
angel_dipped_in_darkness: umm dont do drugs silly
brandon scott: i did a pain killer but it souldntshow up i think it was just a sinus med
angel_dipped_in_darkness: then it wont
angel_dipped_in_darkness: how many panel drug test is it
angel_dipped_in_darkness: they only look for certain things
brandon scott: well me everything
brandon scott: this is alabama they check for EVERY THING
angel_dipped_in_darkness: damn
angel_dipped_in_darkness: they wont look for over the counter meds silly
brandon scott: i no that i forgot which i took they look the same as sinus and are in the same bottle
angel_dipped_in_darkness: what was it?
brandon scott: pain killer
angel_dipped_in_darkness: thats not a big deal as long as its over the counter
brandon scott: soul be i dont no bf bought it with him
angel_dipped_in_darkness: so you took a pill that you have no idea what it is
brandon scott: i no it was ether of the two
angel_dipped_in_darkness: then dont worry
How stupid if you have anything to fear form doing it DONT DO IT DUMB ASS |
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(Brokedown) |
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| Meetings |
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| 10:02pm 13/02/2006 |
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Tonight was my first meeting of the week
They seem to think things are importiant that I find irrelivant
sobrity date IRRELIVANT if you didnt drink today or yesterday thats allthat matters tomororw is unknown...
They spoke of the 6th step
and in the last 2 last week they both covered the second step |
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(Brokedown) |
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boyontheborder's journal